How Kaiba Stole Valentine's
by Alpha-Starr
Summary: "Every person in Domino liked Valentine's a lot... except Kaiba, Teen CEO, who frankly did not." Parody of How the Grinch Stole Christmas by Dr. Seuss, Kaiba/Joey, yaoi, lemon.


How Kaiba "Stole" Valentine's

Summary: "Every person in Domino liked Valentine's a lot... except Kaiba, Teen CEO, who frankly did not." Parody of How the Grinch Stole Christmas by Dr. Seuss, Kaiba/Joey, yaoi, lemon.

A/N: I thought it would be cute to do. But my rhyming's not amazing, even though I freestyle rap a lot.

Disclaimer: Yugioh? Not mine. How The Grinch Stole Christmas? That's Dr. Seuss's.

* * *

><p>Every person<br>In Domino  
>Liked Valentine's a lot<p>

... Except Kaiba,  
>Teen CEO,<br>Who, frankly, did NOT.

Kaiba loathed Valentine's, the whole V-day season!  
>Only Ra would know why, but he must have a reason.<br>Could it be that his sales never rose to the occasion?  
>Was he annoyed by the gifts from every girl in the nation?<br>Or perhaps it was because he wasn't quite sane?  
>Everyone knows he's not right in the brain.<p>

But whatever the reason,  
>The brain or the girls,<br>He stood up in his office, just hating the world  
>Staring down from his window with his trademarked Kaiba glare,<br>Knowing laughter and kisses would soon fill the air.  
>He eyed each employee, leaving to arrange dates<br>Mentally firing each one who left early instead of late

"It's the thirteenth of February!" he snarled with a sneer.  
>"Tomorrow is Valentine's! It's practically here!"<br>He had to take aspirin to keep his headache from thrumming,  
>Then boldly declared, "I must keep Valentine's from coming!"<p>

For tomorrow, he knew, as was the tradition,  
>All his fangirls and fanboys would set out with a mission<br>To clog up his mail and to jam up his locker  
>With cards and with flowers and with sugar-heart-shockers<p>

Were a hundred naked photos _really_ what he needed?  
>Who knows what new ideas in their minds could be seeded!<br>He had no need for roses, carnations, or daisies,  
>Let's face it, this shit could drive any man crazy!<p>

And then, the tradition he liked least of all:  
>Every girl at the high school, the tall and the small<br>Would line up at his desk and nervously chatter  
>Then confess their love to him as if they actually <em>mattered<em>!

They'd talk! And they'd ramble!  
>A different fucking preamble<br>To each and every confession!  
>Each a waste of time, much to Kaiba's depression:<br>"Every minute I waste is a point off the DOW!  
>I must stop Valentine's Day... but HOW?"<p>

Then he got an idea,  
>An ingenious idea!<br>An ingenious, evil-laugh-worthy, brilliant idea!

"I know just what to do!" Kaiba cackled with glee  
>As he sat at his desk, laughing evilly.<br>He opened his laptop, starting up without a hitch-  
>"I'll just <em><strong>buy<strong>_ Valentine's Day! After all, I'm rich!"

"All I need is a list," Kaiba murmured out loud,  
>"Of every place that sells Valentine's things in this town!<br>Every shop that sells flowers or chocolates or cards,  
>Every jewel, every trinket, I'll go the whole nine yards!<br>I'll buy out every restaurant to every café,  
>And I swear that there won't be a Valentine's Day!"<p>

So he checked his cards' credit,  
>And then grabbed some old sacks,<br>Then he called for his limo  
>And his chauffeur, Max.<p>

Kaiba got in the car  
>And he headed to town<br>As he swore that, "This year,  
>Valentine's will go DOWN!"<p>

The store windows were open as people filled the street,  
>Each person daydreaming about lovers they'd meet<br>Kaiba stopped at a shop though they stepped on his feet.

As he shoved through the crowd, ol' Kaibaboy hissed,  
>"Stop number one," credit-card in his fist.<p>

Then he pushed past the people, a rather tight squeeze  
>But Kaiba was skinny, he could do it with ease<br>He scrambled for flowers, for cards, and for wine  
>He found every item within record time!<br>He stormed up to check-out, items all in a row,  
>Shouting, "Pack it up now! I'll take it to go!"<p>

He bought out every item on the whole boulevard,  
>Chocolate in tons and ribbons by yards!<br>He slipped through the shops with a smile most unpleasant  
>And at every stop, he bought every present!<br>He stuffed them in bags, and then he drew near  
>To the very last shop: a petite chocolatier<p>

He walked into the store with quite low expectations,  
>But was then overwhelmed by overwhelming sensations!<br>There was cocoa! And spice! And fragrant fruit fillings!  
>"Yo, are ya gonna buy somethin' or are ya just chillin'?"<p>

Kaiba jumped up in shock (and perhaps in fright),  
>"Wheeler, why the fuck are you in here tonight?"<p>

Joey snapped back, "I've worked here all year,  
>It ain't my fault if ya just didn't hear.<br>So are ya buyin' somethin'? Cause there's this thing;  
>I can call the police if yer here loitering."<p>

Seto eyed the cute boy with the chocolate on his cheeks,  
>And suddenly realized it was quite <em>hard<em> to speak.  
>"I'll take everything here," Kaiba murmured, mouth dry,<br>"And I'll even pay extra if you don't ask me why."

Surprised by the purchase, Joey wrapped things up quick,  
>"Geez, who's this all for? I pity the chick."<br>But Kaiba was frozen as Joey spoke on  
>Because he'd realized- "Is that a pink apron?"<br>"So what if it is?" His cheeks started to flush.  
>"You still haven't told me, just <em>who <em>is your crush?"

_"This mutt is too sexy,"_ Kaiba thought in his head  
>And all Seto wanted was to take him to bed<br>So as Joey came out to give Kaiba his purchase,  
>By pure chance his hand wound up on Joey's ass<p>

"What the fuck!" Joey squeaked as Kaiba groped at his rear,  
>"Don't do stuff like that- or at least, not here!<br>Here's some advice, so you won't be so dumb,  
>Just ask me out instead'a grabbin' my bum!"<p>

"Ask?" Kaiba wondered, more confused than not.  
>"I like ya," Joey shrugged, "An' I think yer kinda hot."<br>So Kaiba snatched Joey with a smirk on his face,  
>"So, pup, how about it, want to come to my place?"<p>

They got into the limo, thoroughly snogging,  
>Their hips grinding up like a saw during logging,<br>And Kaiba couldn't help being glad he could use  
>The lube from which he had twelve flavors to choose<p>

When they got to the mansion, hot with their passion,  
>The two boys had sex in each and every fashion:<br>Tied up with ribbons! Linking wine off nipples!  
>Drawing hot-candle-wax and melted-fudge ripples!<br>The two men fornicated without sight of an end-  
>Thank Ra Mokuba was out at a friend's!<p>

As Kaiba was seeing round thirteen through,  
>His alarm rang, declaring it was 3:02;<br>So Kaiba took a hand off of Joey's cock  
>Then he reached over and smashed the clock*.<br>Into his lover's body Kaiba vigorously pounded,  
>And they both came as their cries of pleasure resounded.<p>

Joey panted, "That's the best fuck I've had since I-don't-know-when!  
>Say, Kaiba, let's get together and do this again!"<br>"Hell fucking yes," Kaiba agreed, elated,  
>"I don't think I'd mind if we even dated."<br>"Are you serious!" Joey sat up, using his arm as a lever;  
>Kaiba nodded. "Best fuckin' Valentine's Day ever."<p>

So, new boyfriend in arm and pillow under head,  
>Kaiba mused to himself, and quietly said,<br>"Maybe Valentine's isn't such a bad day,  
>Even though I still think that it's kind of cliché."<p>

He stared down at Joey,  
>Dozing off in his arms,<br>And guessed that even V-Day  
>Had its own charms.<p>

He awoke, hours later, to a loud knocking sound  
>So he opened his door to see who was around<p>

HE HADN'T STOPPED V-DAY FROM COMING!  
>IT CAME!<br>Each and every fan's present just came all the same!

And Kaiba, trapped three feet deep in the stuff,  
>Finally screamed out, "There just isn't enough<br>Money in the world to stop Valentine's Day!  
>The mail just keeps coming! This isn't okay!"<p>

And Kaiba stood there in spite of his ass being sore,  
>'Til Joey said something he hadn't thought of before,<br>"Geez, Kaiba, it's called 'restocking the store',  
>So come back to bed, and let's cuddle some more."<p>

And what happened then?  
>Well, in Domino they say<br>That Kaiba's heart quadrupled  
>In size that day<br>His heart wasn't the only thing that grew, so pants tight,  
>He readied himself for another round that night:<br>He readied some toys and a lube made to cool  
>And then he and Joey<br>Decided to skip school. ;)

* * *

><p>*Clocks destroyed: 1?  
>Anyone who gets that reference wins epically.<p> 


End file.
